It is with great sadness that the club received the news that ‘Lav’ is leaving the club for Liverpool at the end of the season. Apparently they have been after him for some time – he nicked their ball last time he was over!! Paul is heading to study Social work at the John Moores University. He is already on record as saying the team, particularly the captain, is more than welcome to visit for a ‘free’ weekend at Lavs expense. He also confirmed that the booster seat he uses when driving is to be retired until his return.

Crewe manager Pete Cash was spotted wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an Paddy’s wife, Jane, struggling with her shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which Jane replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"

Pete McCabe has signed a lucrative new deal with a top sports company to test a revolution in football technology. The new ‘studs on your ass’ product is designed to help players, such as Pete, who spend most of the game on their rear ends. It comes after Crewe have gone through 10 pairs of shorts for Pete this season, which included two in one game. Pete says he isn’t getting enough protection from referees but he is just happy he is “putting something back into the game” through these tests.

It has been rumoured that Sean ‘The Ging’ Chapman has been sourcing possible games for Crewe to play out in Ljubljana. Sean though has been studying hard and has not ‘hit the town’ yet according to his twin brother Ciaran – although Ciaran only realised Sean had left for Slovenia when his clothes and shoes had been taken!! Keep up the hard work out there Sean.

Michael Kelly has been warned by Secretary Fintan Murray about the number of penalty points picked up for bookings this season. Rumour has it Fintan has offered Michael a Rolex paid for by the club to time his tackles better. Apparently a referee said to Michael after a recent booking “that tackle was late” and Michael replied “I got there as quick as I could!”

Mark Mulholland has offered his new apartment in Portugal to the footballers free of charge over the summer. The only request Mark had was that the lads stop trying to explain the offside rule and ignore the runs he makes every Saturday unless the opposition have a player on the goal line!

Donard 'The Tank' Shannon has signed up to anger management courses. He left the game against Portadown BBOB feeling like a "Ballboy" and allegedly, apparently, took his anger out on unassuming spectators and the referee. The first step in his rehabilitation was to meet the Lower Maze Keeper, Mickey McFarland for coffee and scones and discuss the 'pleasantries' that were exchanged during the recent derby game.

Scotty Mulligan has demanded a refund of all ‘subs’ he has paid this season. After being told these were used for cleaning the kits he was in a rage as everyone knows Scotty doesn’t tackle and never gets dirty, heaven forbid, his hair doesn’t even get out of place during a game. Scotty wishes to donate the subs to the Andy Adrain campaign which has set out to ban all forms of dancing as he never feels like dancing, isn’t that right Andy!! Well, except when there are handbags on the floor!

Aidso McCrory has expressed concern about the amount of money spent on preparing for this years Warrington trip. To date, Aidso has bought a pair of shoes and slippers for each day, just in case. Apparently the floors in the Peace Centre are cold on your feet - according to Aidso anyway!

Ciaran Chapman, not known for his brains caused hysterics in the changing room. Given a jigsaw for Christmas, Chappers came into the club bragging about how he had finished it after 6 months. When asked why he was so chuffed he said on the box it said 3 to 6 years!

Thomas McKenna has been letting his chest hair grow for over 7 months now after shaving it for a brief period of time. Thomas is determined to look more and more like the Hoff everyday and has been heard singing the Hoff's latest single "Jump In My Car" as well as calling his fellow team mates Kitt! He can also be seen sporting a pair of those famous red shorts at charity matches along with performing the Baywatch tune. The amount raised so far for the David Hasselhoff foundation by Thomas is an amazing £3.50! www.davidhasselhoff.com